


Say I Never Mattered

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst, M/M, this was a mistake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 15:31:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Out of everyone Jim could ever fall in love with, of course it had to be a prostitute that could never love him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay let's just say that panic! at the disco is basically my inspiration to write anything.

Jim hates waking up alone. It's something he's become accustomed to, but he hates it nonetheless. The other side of the bed is always empty. When he turns, he sees the money gone from the top of the nightstand. He lets out a sigh as he crumples the sheets in his hand. The other side of the bed hasn't been warm in hours. His heart aches in his chest. He doesn't know why he thinks he'll stay. He never does. He's so hopelessly in love that it hurts when he's not there in the morning.

Jim doesn't really remember when exactly it is that he fell in love with the other man, but he thinks it must have been when he first moved out to Los Angeles. The lights were blinding and the sounds were a little too loud, but he loved it. And when he first laid eyes on the other man standing on a dirty street corner, he felt like all the bullshit he went through with his family was worth it. He no longer cared that he'd been kicked out. He didn't care that the last time he had seen his mother was with a disgusted look on her face as she slammed the door on him. It had all been worth it because it had led him here. So that night, Jim took him to a random motel and in just that night, he already knew he was falling. It wasn't his fault he wasn't strong enough to resist. Those pretty hazel eyes made him weak.

Jim had only ever smoked a cigarette once back when he was thirteen. He'd almost coughed his lungs out and vowed never to even touch one again. Fast forward ten years, he smokes a pack in a week just to have something to distract himself from his boring life. He's found himself working a few jobs just to keep himself alive and most importantly, to regularly see the beautiful prostitute, whom he's nicknamed Bones because of his fascination with kissing Jim's collarbones. Bones doesn't mind, and if he does, he doesn't say anything. He's being paid to please Jim after all. 

Sometimes Jim catches him staring at him with a strange look on his face. When he tries to comment, Bones just shuts him up by shoving his hand down Jim's pants. One time, he swears he felt Bones gently run his fingers through his hair before he left. He doesn't know if these things actually happen or if he just imagines them.

 

\---

 

Bones isn't in his usual spot when Jim goes to look for him. He feels his heart sink because he knows that means he's off with some other customer. He knows what he does, but it hurts everytime he's faced with the fact that he's nothing more than a way to stay alive for Bones. So he goes home, and if he cries for the third time that week over a man who doesn't love him, no one else knows.

 

\---

 

Jim's addicted, plain and simple.

And he hates it. He hates that his only solace is a prostitute he's been stupidly pining after for almost a year. A prostitute he pays to pretend to love him, at least for a night. He knows it's wrong, the love he feels for him but he can't help it. He gets to him, gets into his lungs like the cigarette smoke he constantly inhales. He knows he should end this destructive, one-sided relationship but he can never bring himself to do it. He's too far gone to end it now. He loves Bones, and it's stupid and wrong but he can't bring himself to care because at night when he's panting and moaning Jim's name, he can imagine that Bones might love him too. But come morning, he always leaves with Jim's money in his pocket and another bit of his heart too. It's my job, he says each time Jim looks at him with a heart broken look on his face. It's just his job.

It's not worth it, he knows that. He can't keep feeling love like that. It's not worth the temporary bliss he feels at night but he's lost control of himself and he thinks it's better that way. He knows that if he was strong enough, he could end this. But until then, he simply numbs himself with nicotine. It's not as addictive as Bones.

 

\---

 

In the morning after he's gone, Jim can still taste him on his lips. He briefly wonders if it's the same for Bones. He probably douses his mouth with mouthwash to get rid of him. Just the thought of how much he must detest Jim has him clutching at his chest. Maybe he should just let him go. He's doing nothing but delaying the inevitable.

'Just one more hit. One more hit. Then we're done,' Jim thinks to himself.

 

\---

 

Jim is the first to leave that night. As soon as Bones' back hits the mattress, Jim's out of the bed and pulling his pants on. He avoids looking at the other man's undoubtedly confused face.

After he's done lacing up his boots, he throws the wad of cash on the nightstand and says, "This is the last time."

He bites his lip to keep himself from saying anything else as he exits the small motel room. When he shuts the door behind him, he lets out a shaky sigh. He clenches his jaw as he walks away. Bones is never going to love him, so what's the use? This relationship, if it could even be called that, was a losing battle. The nights of pretending are over. Jim can't help but think about it as a play. Bones' performance was outstanding, but now the curtains have been drawn. He can go back to his normal life. Or, as normal as it will ever get. This was Jim's chance to start over again. So with a heavy heart, he packs up his things and drives off. He's had enough of Los Angeles.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best things come to those who wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wasn't supposed to happen but some of you weren't happy with the ending so I fixed it. Short and crappy because I wrote it in like half an hour.

San Diego was Jim's destination. He didn't have enough money to go very far like he wanted. He gets by with more of his random jobs. He has more money for himself now that he isn't spending it on company. He has roommates now, so he's not alone. He thinks it's better that way. They don't know about Bones, or Los Angeles in general.

Jim is still totally, utterly in love with Bones. Yeah, it's been about six months since he left, but his feelings weren't just going to disappear over night. He knew that. But he's still disappointed every morning when he wakes up and his first thought is Bones. He is all he thinks about. He wonders how he's doing. He wonders if he's okay. He wonders when he'll stop thinking about him. Probably never, he eventually concludes. He still lies awake at night thinking about their last night together. He questions whether or not he made the right decision.

Sometimes he has days where he's silent and he sulks, but his roommates don't say anything. Instead, the curly haired Russian throws him a sympathetic smile and the Scotsman hands him a glass of bourbon. They always have enough for these types of situations. Jim considers telling them, but he doesn't want to trouble them. They don't need to hear it. They don't care.

It's Saturday night, and both his roommates are out doing who knows what. He sits alone in the living room with the remaining bourbon in his glass. He has music playing in the background which is obviously a bad idea because when a love song begins to play, tears start forming in his eyes. And for the first time in months, he allows himself to cry. He's going to hate himself for this in the morning but for now, he let's out the pent up anger and sadness. He's broken hearted and nothing is making it better.

There's a knock at the door and he wonders which of his roommates forgot their keys this time. Probably Pavel, he's always forgetting everything. He abandons his glass on the coffee table and switches off the music. When he pulls the door open, he's expecting to find the curly haired teenager smiling up at him apologetically. Instead, he finds the one person he thought he'd never see again. His beautiful hazel eyes sparkle in the light of the hallway and his lower lip is caught between his teeth anxiously. Jim stands there gaping at him.

"Hey, Jim," Bones finally says in a hoarse voice. Just at the sound of his voice, the tears start rolling down his cheeks and pulls Bones close to him and finally, finally kisses him. His lips are warm and dry and they feel like heaven pressed against Jim's.

"I missed you."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't let you walk away lookin' all pathetic."


End file.
